


Innuend'oh

by Yeah_JSmith



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Misunderstandings, Nonbinary Fangmeyer, Not What It Looks Like, Tropes, pansexual Judy, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 22:09:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16127747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeah_JSmith/pseuds/Yeah_JSmith
Summary: Nick and Judy are in the closet. Quinn Fangmeyer doesn't want anything to do with it, but it's not like they really get a choice in such a sticky situation.





	Innuend'oh

It was Tuesday at 6PM when Quinn Fangmeyer found themselves stuck to the floor outside a closet made for elephants. It wasn’t the strange scrabbling noise coming from inside the door that stopped them; it wasn’t any sort of cat-related curiosity, as much as those old tales might have had a grain of truth in them. No, Quinn was just stuck, their feet unable to lift any distance from the ground.

The scrabbling noises got louder. Suddenly, Hopps’ voice rang out, “Dang it, Nick, your paw’s on my butt!”

... _Wha?_

“Where else is it supposed to go,” Wilde shot back testily. “You’re the one who wanted to do this here; not my fault we don’t have enough room.”

O _kay._ The last thing Quinn wanted to do was stand there and listen to their coworkers get it on. Was that even allowed? They pulled with all their might, but to no avail. They were too far away from the door to just _open_ it, so they resorted to the one thing that would never, ever fail to get Hopps’ attention and yelled, “Stop, thief!”

Nothing. The weirdly amplified argument went on as though no one had _heard,_ although it did manage to grab the attention of James Wolfard, a fellow detective. He skidded around the corner and stopped abruptly within a couple of paces. “Fangmeyer? What?”

“I was trying to get _their_ attention,” they said, irritable. “I can’t move, and I don’t want to listen to-”

“J-Judy, that’s – _ah,_ that’s _tender!”_

“Suck it up, Sweetheart, I have one more buckle to go.”

Quinn gestured vaguely at the door. “I don’t want to know what Hopps and Wilde do in bed. Or in closets, as the case may be.”

“I’m...almost positive that’s not what’s going on,” Wolfard hedged, though he looked like he doubted his own statement. “Wilde’s damn near asexual. The cub’s seen some shit for sure, but the other day Greenleaf got through a two-and-a-half minute rhapsody on his girlfriend’s tongue-”

“Greenleaf’s a disaster in or out of the uniform-”

“Wilde informed us all that sex was disgusting, and he was trying to eat.”

Quinn, who had heard Hopps’ entertaining tale about the Mystic Springs Oasis and her perhaps inappropriate recollection of Wilde’s post-academy physique when he shamelessly stripped off his wet clothes in her apartment, tried to figure out which part was the lie, when all of a sudden Wilde yelped and then – well, there was no other word for it. He groaned.

“...On second thought,” said Wolfard, “I’m out. What the...why can’t I move?”

Quinn shrugged and tried not to listen to the panting noises coming from inside the closet. “I’m having the same problem myself. It’s why I yelled in the first place. Hoped the two idiots in there would hear, but no such luck.”

“Hey,” Wolfard yelled, pounding the hinge of the door with a fist. He couldn’t reach the doorknob, but at least it was better than nothing. “Hey! Dipshits! Supply closets are not bedrooms!”

“Watch your fangs,” Hopps hollered.

“You’re not making it easy, Fluff! Maybe if you weren’t sitting on my face-”

“I’m just taking a _break-”_

“What is _happening_ right now,” asked Grizzoli from behind Quinn.

“Quick question,” they said, before Wolfard could make it any weirder, “can you move your feet?”

“Of course I...no. No, I cannot. The fuck?”

Wilde made a sighing noise. “C’mon, we have to keep going if we want to make it in time.”

“Then you have to push harder,” Hopps challenged. “Whoa – not that hard, you just – _oh, Nick!”_

Thump.

“So are they stuck like we are, or…?”

Hopps let out a sound that wouldn’t be out of place in a low-budget porno.

“...Ew, and they couldn’t hear you knocking?”

“Nope,” Wolfard lamented.

Two of their newest recruits, a boar named Porcino and a goat named Gompers, rounded the corner. Grizzoli opened his mouth, presumably to warn the two away from the area, when Wilde asked, “You okay? Do we need to stop, or do you want to try again?”

“I’m okay, just...seeing stars. I haven’t fallen this hard in a while. Help me up? I’m pretty sure I memorized your body; it won’t be so hard this time.”

“Or it’ll be harder,” Porcino cracked, and Quinn wanted to hit him.

“Don’t be gross,” they said. “Can either of you move your feet?”

Gompers, who rarely said anything, shifted a bit. “No, Sir.”

“Neither can I,” said Porcino. “This is weird, right? It’s not something that usually happens at the ZPD? Because I didn’t sign up to be glued to weird places.”

“N-Nick, I...c’mon, I’m almost…”

“You can do it! Just stretch a little further!”

At that moment, the worst – or perhaps the best – surprise guest showed up in the hallway. Quinn would have recognized their boss’ heavy steps from miles away, and as the old buffalo strode into the weirdly sticky section of the hall, they thought that this had the potential to be either horrific or horribly funny. Whoever had done this to the hallway was going to be fired, and Quinn hoped they’d get to see it with their own eyes.

“Why are you all just standing here,” Chief Bogo demanded, looking every inch the angry boss they’d grown to know and...well, not _love,_ but take orders from, at any rate. “Don’t you have crimes to be solving?”

“Mysterious lack of crime,” commented Grizzoli. Quinn realized it was true; there hadn’t been any reports that day, and the zoicide department _never_ wanted for reports.

“All my suspects turned themselves in this morning. It’s almost spooky,” added Wolfard.

“Nothing in from dispatch, either, Chief,” said Gompers.

“Impossible,” Bogo scoffed. “Now get-”

“Oh... _Nick,”_ Hopps moaned from inside the closet.

“Oof – sorry – that better,” asked Wilde through heavy breathing, also from inside the closet. Obviously. Quinn thought suddenly (and maybe a tad hysterically) that this might be a metaphor for something, but they decided not to think about it too closely.

“Yes!”

“All of my best officers,” Bogo began _very angrily,_ “are neglecting their duties to listen to the pornographic activities of two _former_ officers...from outside a closet? Get back to – why can’t I move my feet?”

“Yeah, we’re all kinda stuck that way, Chief.” Bogo’s head swiveled to stare at Porcino, who’d volunteered the information. If he wanted to take the heat, Quinn would let him.

“Explain.”

“Wish I could. You think I want to be standing here listening to Hopps and Wilde do the nasty? I don’t care what they do when they’re off the clock, and my love life will _never_ be so sad that I need beautiful bouncing bunny noises to-”

“I don’t think you want to finish that thought, Porky,” Wolfard warned, clearly still somewhat protective over his former partner.

“Almost there,” Hopps said, sounding anxious. “C’mon, Nick, _higher-”_

“I’m at my limit,” Wilde choked.

“I know, Nick, I’m _sorry,_ just a bit more – _there! Yes!”_

The door opened. A gray bunny and red fox tumbled out, disheveled but fully clothed, looking both annoyed and amused. Not exactly the look of two mammals just out of a passionate romp. Hopps had a makeshift harness around her waist, two belts around her thighs, pawcuffed together in the back and tied to a length of rope looped around the doorknob. Wilde – who had a budding black eye – looked around at the assembled officers, frowning in confusion. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t anyone let us out? What is this, some kind of belated hazing ritual? Locking someone in a closet and making them use each other as stepstools to get out?”

“You could have been naked,” Porcino blurted, and Quinn palmed their face. _Why._ Why were their coworkers so dumb.

“This isn’t exactly the Mystic Springs Oasis, here,” Wilde pointed out.

Hopps, seeming to cotton on, pulled Wilde down by his tie and whispered in his ear. His expression went from bemused to horrified to neutral very quickly. He stood straight up and down, perfect posture, pointed to his head, and told them very seriously, “Do you see this face? This is the face of judgment.” He shook his forefinger at the group. “I’m judging each and every one of you. C’mon, Hopps, let’s go. I believe we had plans to decide whether or not this new boyfriend is good enough for you?”

“I want you to meet my boyfriend, not chase him off,” Hopps replied, shoving him gently. As they slowly left the area, she added, “You always chase off my dates.”

“I didn’t chase off that nice vixen, did I?”

“No-”

“Or that hare, what was his name, Sam?”

“You _should_ have.”

They rounded the corner.

“You’re the one who wanted to prove she has good judgment-”

“I _have_ good judgment-”

“Carrots, you asked _me_ to be your partner two days after we met; that should speak for itself.”

“Can...can any of you move? Because I can’t,” said Grizzoli, “and now I’m kind of worried about crime starting up again.”

“I still don’t know why this is happening, but I choose to believe this is all a strange dream brought about by too much rum after a long day of dealing with _you_ idiots,” said Bogo, and Quinn privately agreed.


End file.
